Contacting the Other Woman


Recently my husband started texting another woman. He met her on a dating site. I know he’s on the site because I am as well. In fact, I have his profile linked to my profile on there. You see, we’re polyamorous and have an open relationship that consists of honesty and communication. We’re allowed to date other people as long as we’re honest about what’s going on in our lives.

“Allowed” isn’t even the right word for our relationship and friendship. We don’t “allow” each other to do anything. We simply operate under the perspective that we should treat each other how we want to be treated. We operate on honesty, trust, communication.

My husband is enjoying his time talking with this woman and has told me some of their conversations, though certainly not all. It’s not really any of my business, honestly. And while I’m curious, that doesn’t mean I have the right to inquire about their every word.

This wonderful man I’m married to also happens to be in the navy. He’s a submariner. So occasionally, more frequently than I’d like, he has to deploy for short periods called “underways”. One of those times is coming up. This girl he’s chatting with won’t have any communication with him. I will at least have email to his submarine. So i offered to get in touch with her. I offered to contact the other woman. She will want to know how he is, if he’s safe, and (though I can only tell her within 24 hours) when he’s coming home to us. “To us”. That’s a heartwarming expression for me to use after so many years of wanting a family like this.

I don’t know her, but I care about her. I *am* her. I *was* her. I could be her again. I understand where she may be coming from. I know in her situation I’d want to ask the wife to get in touch with me but I might not because I’d be worried about being insulting. So I’m reaching out. I’m giving out my number. I’m offering to be there as a support to lean on.

We’ll see how it goes. I have no right to go into this with any expectations. I have no right to want or need anything from her. But I will hope for it, as I would with anyone one of my partners was dating. I didn’t set out on my journey in polyamory to be alone. I set out to find connections, to build a family, to find my tribe.

If this woman is to be part of that tribe, I would welcome her with open arms. But the harder part, for me anyway, is realizing not everyone wants a tribe. Not everyone wants to be part of that family. And accepting that is one of the more difficult things I have to do in my polyamory life.


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