Divorce – a mixed bag of emotions

I got officially divorced a short time ago.  The day did not go as expected.  It could have been worse, it’s divorce after all, but it also could have been better.  Especially since ExH and I get along for the most part.  We took a divorce selfie afterwards at a cafe across from the court house and then things went downhill.

It’s difficult to try to balance a friendship with someone whom you share such a huge past with.  Do you start fresh?  That seems impossible.  Also impossible, and unproductive, is hashing out your entire past and trying to heal old wounds.

There was a lot of gaslighting that went on that became a huge part of who I was at the time and lead to a lot of self-hate for me.  This article explains a lot about gaslighting and it’s important to note that I’m not saying ExH has NPD (narcissism).  The article simply takes it from that perspective.

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Though I am happy to be divorced and to move on, I am also pained by the knowledge that this marriage I worked so hard on for so long is now dissolved.  It is difficult to rationalize in my own mind.

Fortunately my young son does not have those same issues.  He simply chalks it up to “You and Daddy fought a lot and he was mean to you. Now that won’t happen.”  Yes, I suppose that’s true.  He is happy to visit his father and stepmom when he goes and he’s happy to come home as well.

I was told recently by one of his teachers that my boyfriend and I must be doing something right because our kids are so happy and so unaffected by everything.  That felt nice to hear, but also makes me wonder if that’s a “for now” circumstance.  Will it affect them later on?  Will my son need therapy for all the drama his father and I put him through?  Will he need it because I let such a toxic person as my ex’s first wife into our lives more than I needed to?  What will his relationship with his brothers look like over time as no one intervenes to save them?

Divorce means letting go of a lot of those questions and knowing I may never have the answers.  Divorce also means I can start to heal.

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